That interview I mentioned last week is coming along, and I’m figuring some things out along the way in terms of the best way to approach these types of features as a fledgling Substacker. But, it’s not ready for show time yet, so this week, I’m going to have some fun and air some gripes that I’ve accumulated over the three decades I’ve been an all-weather athlete. In no particular order:
The habit of openly wearing one’s tee tucked into one’s tights*
Founded entirely on absolutely nothing, it is nonetheless an iron rule of athletic fashion, gentlemen. Like wearing a mountain biking helmet in a road cycling peloton, cotton in the backcountry, or white after Labor Day: One simply does not do so.
*one may do so only if one occludes the offense with an additional layer of clothing that is not tucked into one’s tights
Freezing one’s penis
I take back what I said earlier: This is absolutely the worst thing on this list. And no, it’s not a myth. I was stationed in Albuquerque for a couple years when I was going through training. The winters there are pretty mild, but it does drop below freezing on occasion. But more importantly, it gets windy there. One morning, we trainees went for a run. We had a new guy, fresh from the Southeast, never lived somewhere cold. While the rest of us threw sweatpants over our blue 3.5” inseam Soffe running shorts (aka “Ranger Panty” aka “CMFMs” and no I won’t spell that one out and yes they are the greatest, most economical gift to running shorts on the planet), he decided all he needed was a sweatshirt. After an hour in 28F temps and 10mph gusts, we returned from the run. My man said it felt like someone kicked him in his scrotum. For the next hour, he sprawled on the floor and groaned as the circulation returned to his phallus.
I have personal experience with this experience and can attest to the excruciating pain that accompanies the “thawing” process, but it’s a couple hundred words I’ll save for the fall. Wind chill, boys: It’s no bull.
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